What Boundaries Can Never Do For You And Why.

boundaries

As a coach, I get a lot of questions about boundaries.
Here’s one from a recent client:
“I feel like everyone in my life is taking advantage of me. I guess I have no boundaries. Can you help me with that?”

I start the conversation asking her to share an example.

And the example always goes something like this…

“So-and-so wants me to help her out with such-and-such. She is constantly asking me to do things for her. She has absolutely no respect for my time or my schedule. She always thinks that I can drop everything and be there for her. She has no appreciation for me at all and I am sick of it.”

I am curious about what she does next.
And the answer is always something like this…
“I tell her that I can help her out.”
I ask why.
“Because she asked and I don’t want to disappoint her.”
A-ha.

I told her she didn’t help to create boundaries.
She needed help getting good at no.
We all get this one confused – especially when we are people-pleasers.

We believe some crazy things about boundaries.

1. We think boundaries are these invisible shields of protection that will prevent the requests, the favors and the phone calls for help.
2. We believe boundaries will teach people to stop taking advantage of us and then they will know exactly how to treat us better.
3. We think that boundaries with stop the potential disappointment that others will have in us.
4. And finally, those boundaries set an expectation of how other people should act with us.

Boundaries don’t have these 4 superpowers. They can’t do any of these things.

And here’s why.

People are going to do whatever they want, whenever they want.

They are going to ask for help, favors and make requests. And they get to do that.

And you get to respond to those requests in whatever way you want to.

Just because someone asks you for something, does not mean that you have to say yes or believe that you are being taken advantage of.

Here’s the real superpower that you are looking for – getting good at no.

Getting good at no means getting good at telling the truth.

This matters because every time you say yes when you really mean no – you are choosing to tell yourself and the other person a big, fat lie.
Lying is choosing to take advantage of yourself, to not appreciate yourself, and to disappoint yourself.

Telling the truth is what teaches people how you want to be treated because it shows them how you treat yourself.

Boundaries do play a role in our relationships but rarely do we actually need them. 9 times out of 10, the problems that we are having in our relationships are about the way we treat ourselves. The better we treat ourselves, the better our relationships. Treating ourselves better begins with us telling the truth.

And here’s what getting good at no can do for you.
A no can be delivered with kindness and love. Kindness and love are emotions that you experience and they feel good!
No is a sign of self-respect. Self-respect increases your trust in yourself!

No makes your future yes that much sweeter.

You will be much more excited about your yeses without all the resentment and irritation!

Ready to say no more in your life? Book a complimentary Breakthrough Session and let’s talk about why saying no is a challenge and how you can move past it.

 

3 Must Ask Questions to Create an Amazing Morning Routine.

morning routine

How you spend your time in the morning can set the tone for your entire day and there are 3 questions that you must ask yourself if you want to create your day on purpose.

 

Most of the time we wake up exhausted and then hit the snooze button multiple times.

When we do finally get our eyes open, we grab our phones and jump on Facebook or check our email.

Then we climb out of bed to race around and try to do way too many things without enough time.

We rush through coffee or tea and we make food choices that don’t fuel our bodies properly.

Sometimes we’re grumpy. We snap at family members or they snap at us. We rush off to start our day.

And we feel frantic and scattered. Already behind schedule and racing to catch up.

The day goes on and then we get up and repeat it all over again the next day.

No wonder we are exhausted? It makes sense that we feel so overwhelmed.

Here is a simple strategy to ease the exhaustion and overwhelm.

It starts with a simple morning routine.

Most of us miss the opportunity to take a little quality time for ourselves.

To reflect. To plan. To set an intention.

Take 5-10 minutes to create the day that you want.

A simple morning routine can have a powerful effect on how you show up during the day.

It can literally make all the difference in helping you create a day lived on purpose versus a day that happens by default.

 

Here is your simple guide to creating your morning routine:

Set your alarm for 15 minutes earlier tomorrow morning.

Place a journal or notebook and pen next to your alarm.

Write a message to yourself on an index card or small piece of paper – this should be a motivating message that will remind you why you are changing your schedule and giving yourself a little extra time in the morning to focus on you. (It can be something like “This is important” or “This matters to me” or “I want to start my day feeling good”). Finally, place this note on top of the journal, so you see it in the morning.

Get up when your alarm goes off. Stay in bed or find a quiet place in the house.

Take a few minutes to think about what kind of day you want to have.

Then, answer these 3 questions in your journal or notebook:

What do I need to do to have this kind of day?

What do I need to feel to make these things happen?

What do I want to think to feel this way?

Read them over a few times to commit them to memory.

There is so much power in those three little questions.

They will help you go from reacting and responding to your day to creating the day you want on purpose.

Directing your mind first thing in the morning will also set you up for feeling clear and intentioned about all your decisions, which will eliminate the exhaustion and overwhelm that you have been experiencing.

15 minutes in the morning can make a significant difference in the way you feel all day. It’s a simple and easy self-care solution that can create a positive effect on your overall wellbeing.

For more self-care solutions like this one, be sure to request my FREE GUIDE. Simple Self-Care Solutions – 10 Easy Ways to Improve Your Self-Care Without Spending a Dime!
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