Denial.

katie pulsifer coaching

denial.
de·ni·al
dəˈnīəl/
noun
the action of declaring something to be untrue.
the refusal of something requested or desired.

We all have dreams and desires and I would venture to say that most of us try to keep them a secret. We are afraid to share what we really want because of fear, self-consciousness or perhaps the belief that what we most want isn’t realistic. We keep our dreams and desires a secret if we think they will make other people uncomfortable, require significant change or cost a lot of money.

When we deny that we have dreams and desires, we settle for living in half-truth. We argue with ourselves about our dreams being frivolous or unnecessary or unproductive or inconvenient. We declare them to be untrue, just so they will stop distracting us. We refuse to acknowledge that they live inside of us. We work hard to make them go away by trying to ignore that they exist.

Sometimes when I ask people what they deeply desire, they can often become very quiet. They will say something like, “I really don’t know – I haven’t really ever thought about it.”

I believe that it’s not that they haven’t thought about their desires as much as they’ve just become disconnected from them because they have become habituated to ignoring them. They have fallen into a pattern of denying what they most want.

When I try to inquire a little further, I always hear the various reasons that have prevented their dreams and desires from becoming reality –
“I don’t have time”
“What I want just doesn’t work for my family”
“I can’t start over”
“It’s not practical”
“They will never understand”
“I can’t afford it”

Hearing these reasons always hurts my heart a little because I know that these are all just excuses. Excuses to keep their dreams and desires locked up. Excuses to avoid the potential fear of claiming what you want. Excuses to steer clear of the potential judgement that you might experience. These excuses perpetuate in a cycle of denial. These excuses keep your dreams and desires just out of reach but close enough to create the discontentedness, pain and frustration that many people feel when they have a secret – an unfulfilled dream or desire.

What is it that you keep thinking and dreaming about?

Is there something your soul has been burning to do, be, or offer, that keeps trying to get your attention?

What is your secret dream or desire?

How would your life change right now, if you decided to shine light on your inner secret desire?

What would happen if you made that desire your top priority and shared it with the rest of the world?

What would be possible for you, if you stop denying yourself what you most want?

In my experience – happiness is what happens! I see it all the time. For the people that pursue their desires and stop denying what they truly want – they are rewarded with genuine and authentic happiness. They experience a deep sense of calm and inner connection. They experience the ultimate gift of living in truth. They no longer hide or try to keep secrets from themselves. They no longer say one thing and mean something else. They no longer refuse or deny themselves what they most want.

In choosing their truth – they ultimately choose freedom. Freedom over fear, self-consciousness and other limiting beliefs.

There is a simple exercise that you can do today, to stop denying what you really want and to start experiencing the freedom and happiness that you are craving. Click here for access to the Stop Denying and Start Dreaming worksheet.

Sitting with Negative Emotions

We love to go to whatever lengths possible to avoid feeling negative emotions. We love to suppress, dull, avoid, and resist feeling emotions that don’t feel good.

We often believe that the events and the people in our life create how we feel. We don’t always know that negative emotions are created by our thoughts and that negative emotions are just vibrations that run through our bodies. In truth, how we feel is 100% influenced by the thoughts we think. That knowledge changes everything because we don’t have to wait for circumstances or people to change in order to feel better. The responsibility to feel what we feel is totally ours.

I am now a big advocate of learning how to sit with negative emotions and just feel them. I have learned that my negative emotions come from my negative thinking, so I can decide how deeply and how long I want to feel what I feel. I control all of it.

It took me a long time to learn this. Negative emotions are often just so uncomfortable that alI we want to do is flee as far away from them as possible. To stuff them down deep, with too much food or too much alcohol. To turn our back on them by checking out with too much TV, social media or gossip.

I know because I did this for a long time in my life. I was a big avoider of anything uncomfortable. Constantly overcompensating for any discomfort with over-the-top optimism, denial and trying to fix everything that I could get my hands on, even when I had no business trying to do so.

So what is the real downside of avoiding negative emotions besides perhaps, putting on a little extra weight, becoming a Netflix binger or living in denial? The real downside is that we can miss out of the opportunity to get to know ourselves. We risk missing out on the chance to learn what negative emotions are willing to teach us about what we think and why we are thinking it.

To know our thoughts is to know ourselves on the deepest level. It is this exact deepest level place where we can begin to decide if we have thoughts that we want to keep or change. That choice is our ultimate freedom – freedom to decide if we keep believing negative thoughts or if we want to create new thoughts which ultimately lead to better feelings. We feel better when we think better. No amount of food, TV, alcohol, gossip or drama can make us feel better in a sustaining, life-changing kind of way. Feeling better is an inside job. Sitting with our negative emotions invites us inside and this is the opportunity that is not to be missed.