The Upside of Risk-Taking

risk-taking

Some people are great at risk-taking. They thrive on pursuing what they want, despite big challenges or even danger.

Trying new things seems to come more easily to them. They appear to be fearless. Uber confident. Or completely insane.

They seem care-free and unburdened. Always up for an adventure. Completely willing to try new things.

And always answering, “YES!!!! Let’s do this!”

I used to admire and simultaneously fear risk-takers.

Who are these people? I wondered.
What did they I have that I didn’t have?
Was it a special gene that I just wasn’t born with?

Where does that all that fearlessness come from?

I always knew that had a tiny risk-taker inside of me.

But I also learned how to silence her.

She was inconvenient. Restless and unpredictable. She wanted to mess with my perfectly thoughtful and careful planning.

How dare her?

I wanted to be in control.
And to stay safe.
Numb the fear.
Danger was to be avoided at all costs, no matter what.

But, here’s what I have learned about safety and fear and danger.

Safety is easy. Fear is necessary. And danger is a myth.

The truth is that there’s very little in our everyday lives, that is actually dangerous.

We have homes. And clothes to keep us warm. There is more than enough food to eat. There is clean water. We have heat, drug stores, phones, and jobs. We have education, pets to love, medicine and bank accounts.

We are safer than we think.

Now that’s not to say that a lot of things feel huge and scary and totally impossible, but this is different than dangerous.

Fear trips us up all the time. Our brains get super confused by fear.

Our ‘fight or flight brains’ try to tell us that everything is DANGEROUS and that we must avoid, stay away and protect against danger and the possibility of suffering harm or injury.

Fear is necessary. For growth and change and evolution.
And fear does mean the same thing as danger.

Fear is an emotion. Plain and simple. Fear is a vibration that passes through our bodies that usually feels uncomfortable. Despite what we believe, there is no physical harm with feeling the emotion of fear.

And yet, fear is the biggest excuse we use to not take risks, make a change, pursue a dream, to fall in love, to make more money, to follow our passion.

We also use the excuse of fear justify procrastination, over-eating, avoiding, complaining, gossiping, self-doubt and indecision.

SAFETY FIRST.

Stay comfortable. Stay familiar. Stay predictable.

Everything that we really want is just on the other side of fear.

The best way I know to work with fear in pursuit of growth and change is to acknowledge that fear is necessary and danger is a myth.
Fearlessness takes practice.
The best way to practice is to challenge yourself to do something uncomfortable.
Dare yourself. Unleash your inner risk-taker.
It bolsters self-confidence and courage, which builds the muscle of working with fear in your future.

Everything that you really want is on the other side of fear and fear is just an emotion. Feeling the emotion of fear is not dangerous.

Make a sales call.
Ask for raise.
Schedule some time for yourself.
Go to an event, alone.
Say no.
Sign up for a class.
Start the first chapter of your book.
Say, I love you, first.
Volunteer to speak in public.
End a toxic relationship.

Notice how these things are not dangerous. They are just tasks that seem hard because of an uncomfortable feeling. Don’t let your brain fool you. It wants to protect you from danger.

I want you to have what you want and not to let a little fear get in your way of having it.

I want you to say “YES! Let’s do this!”

Set your inner risk-taker free. I dare you!

Do you want to explore the idea of setting your inner risk-taker free? Why not, schedule a complimentary Breakthrough Session and we can talk about what’s getting in your way and holding you back. This no-obligation conversation could be just what you need to set yourself free. Book your session today!

Hope Is Not The GPS For Your Life.

hope

Hope.
It feels good.
It’s optimistic.
It can bring a smile to our faces.
It feels promising.

When we hope, we are on to something.
The thing that we want comes into our sight lines.
It’s out there.
It’s exciting.
It feels possible.

Perhaps.

Maybe it will come true. Fingers crossed. Hope. Hope. Hope.

But sadly and likely, it will not.

Here’s why…

Hope is passive.
It is non-committal.
It is seeing something we want out in our future and observing, waiting, wishing, fingers crossed.

More waiting.
It is watching our lives and feeling good (hoping) versus, rolling up our sleeves and committing to creating our lives, no matter what.

Hope is choosing to ride in the passenger seat of a stranger’s car with your fingers crossed that you will arrive at your desired destination.

Hope is NOT a GPS.

Here’s what else is true…
Hope doesn’t stir up any fear or doubt.
And that’s a problem.
If you want something, the best way to approach having it is to fully commit, even if that commitment scares you to death.
Seriously.

Committing is the opposite of hope.
And it requires making a decision to have what you want, even when you have no idea how to get it.
Committing will trigger fear and doubt. YES!!!!
Committing will mean that you will take massive action to overcome the fear and doubt.
It will likely mean that you will fail (more than once) on your way to achieving that thing that you want.

Failure is good. Lessons learned. An opportunity to take your commitment in a new direction. To keep learning new things. To grow. To evolve.

Committing is driving YOUR car in the direction that you want in – and then consulting your GPS to course-correct your route along the way to get to the desired destination no matter what.

It’s intentioned.
It’s purposeful.
It’s directed.
It’s planned.

Reaching your desired destination is inevitable.
Achieving what you want is inevitable.

Committing feels scary and creates dreams coming true.
Hoping feels good and withholds dreams coming true.

I know which one I choose. Do you?

Explore these questions below to find your answer!

Can you think of a recent example of something that you passively hoped for?
Describe what happened?
Can you think of a recent example of something that you massively committed to?
Exactly what happened?
What was different between these two experiences?
What is something that you are hoping for right now?
Can you turn this hoping into commitment?

If your answer is yes, write down your new commitment.
What is the decision that you need to make to begin working towards your commitment? Now, give yourself no more than 24 hours to make the decision.
Next, write down the action steps that you need to take to start working towards this commitment. What you know right now is perfect. You don’t have to know ‘how’.

Just start here. Jump in the driver’s seat. Turn on your GPS. Start taking action and course-correct as needed.

hope

One action you could take that could be extremely beneficial is to book a FREE Breakthrough Session with me. We can put our two heads together to help you get clear about the commitment you want to make and why. This is a great {no obligation} way to see how coaching can help you solve your toughest challenges and get you heading in the right direction. Book your session today!

How To Successfully Prepare For A Hard Conversation

hard conversation

Life is full of times we need to have a hard conversation.

Having to fire an employee
Telling your parents you want to follow your own dream instead of theirs
Setting boundaries
Giving someone feedback
Saying no
Telling someone you no longer love them

As different as these examples are, they are similar in that, they are considered by most to be “hard conversations.”

What makes these types of conversations, hard?

Fear of the other person’s reaction.
Worry about their emotional response.
Concern for hurting someone’s feelings.
Anxiety about the other person no longer “liking us”.

Before we have to have one of these conversations, we often play it out in our minds over and over again.
We rehearse it.
We worry.
We prepare for the worst-case scenario.
We anticipate the pain and the hurt feelings.

Sometimes we become so afraid of the conversation that we procrastinate having it.

This future conversation just becomes bigger and scarier in our minds.

A huge obstacle.
A massive distraction.
Sometimes the worry and the dread about having the conversation just eat us alive.

Let me tell you the truth about something that will bring you some relief if you need to have a difficult conversation and it’s making you crazy with worry and dread.

Here is what you need to know…

You can never actually hurt another person’s feelings.

Seriously. Nothing you can say or do can actually hurt a person’s feelings.

I know that you might be thinking – this doesn’t make any sense – because, if you are like me, then you were told your entire life to be careful of other people’s feelings and try to never hurt them.

That’s what most people believe and I am here to tell you that it is not true and why this is such good news.

Words and actions do not create feelings.
Thoughts create feelings.
Each person creates their own thoughts.
And they get to think whatever they want about what the hear, see or experience in the world.
They may choose to think that I hurt their feelings by saying or doing what I did, but that does not make it true.
The thought ‘She hurt my feelings’ is what is actually hurting their feelings, not what actually I said or did.

See the difference?

It’s subtle and it’s extremely important.

Of course, we want people in our lives to be happy and listen to us and like us and not judge us…but at the end of the day, we have absolutely no control over any of that.

But the craziest part is that we go around believing that we can control what other people think and feel and so we try really hard to make sure that we control their thoughts and emotions for our benefit so that we always feel good.

And when we are always pursuing making other people happy so that we can always feel good, then we are basically deciding to lie – to avoid having hard conversations and telling the truth.

And that is when we get ourselves into so much trouble.

That type of avoidance (of hard conversations) and speaking our truths, setting boundaries, being honest, ending or beginning new things is exactly what keeps us stuck and trapped in situations or lifestyles that we don’t want to be in.

So here is what you can do, if you recognize that you avoiding having hard conversations.

Know what you do control (and it’s way more than you think!)

How we deliver our message
Being truthful and honest
Speaking from my heart and with integrity
Being kind and compassionate
Allowing others to experience whatever they want to, based on their thoughts and feelings
Managing our own minds
Noticing and responding appropriately to our own emotions
When in doubt, pouring more love into the situation for our benefit

And one final thing that you can control is how you prepare for a hard conversation – because worrying and dreading and procrastinating doesn’t get you anything.

It only delays and postpones what you want or need to do and makes the conversation seem 10x worse than it really is.

Focus on all the things you can control and check out my step by step guide on how to prep for a hard conversation.

  1. What is the hard conversation that you need to have?
  2. Why do you need to have it?
  3. Why do you think it will be hard?
  4. What will your life be like if you never have this conversation?
  5. What is it costing you to postpone this conversation?
  6. What do you want the outcome of this conversation to be?
  7. What part of that outcome do you control?
  8. How can you have the conversation from a place of truth and integrity?
  9. How can you be loving towards yourself, even if you don’t get the response that you would like?
  10. Have the conversation.Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings before, during and after the conversation. Be kind and loving towards yourself. Celebrate your compassionate side. Allow the other person to have their own experience.

If you prefer, we can do this work together – because I know that two minds are better than one. Book a complimentary Breakthrough Session to see how to shift your thinking about hard conversations so you can feel more empowered. Let’s take 30 minutes to talk about it. Book your session today!

The Good News for Breaking a People-Pleasing Habit.

katie pulsifer coaching, life coaching, people pleasing

I would define a people-pleasing as someone who is doing something for others in pursuit of a certain, desired outcome.

There is an expectation of a particular result ahead of time. And the result that the people-pleaser is going for, is always a positive feeling.

In other words, the people-pleaser pleases in order to feel good.

Let me explain this a little further. We have a well-intentioned belief that if we do something nice, kind, helpful for someone else, then we will make that person happy. If we make that person happy they will likely be nice, kind and helpful to us.

If we make them happy, then they will make us happy.

And if we become really skilled at making someone happy by being nice, kind and helpful, then we may experience receiving even more from them. Not only will they make us happy – we may also get the other person to like us, make us feel appreciated, loved, secure and taken care of. They might also even agree with us, stand up for us, support us, need us and approve of us.

Wow. That feels amazing. The people-pleaser figures out that making other people happy means that not only do they get to feel good, they get all these other positive emotions and experiences as well.

But what happens when the people-pleaser doesn’t get the outcome that they were expecting?

It can be very difficult to deal with. People-pleasers think that they can expect a certain outcome (happiness, kindness, helpfulness) from the person that they are trying to please and when they don’t get it, it can so hard to understand. Many people-pleasers will think that something is wrong with them. They might have thoughts like this.

I didn’t help them enough
It just wasn’t good enough
It wasn’t what they wanted
I have let them down
I am not good enough
They don’t like me
They don’t appreciate me

These kinds of thoughts can be very painful for people pleasers to think and often create feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, worry, anxiousness, and regret.

Negative emotions like this can be hard to handle and may push people-pleasers to try even harder to make others happy, even trying to anticipate and manage other people’s needs, at all costs.

This is the negative ugly cycle of people pleasing.

As people-pleasers attempt to create happiness in others, they can lose perspective and connection to their own happiness. Their own needs become secondary.

Resentment builds. Anger surfaces. It gets ugly.

The people-pleaser feels miserable.

And breaking the cycle seems impossible.

Except it isn’t.

So many of us find ourselves in situations like this because we believe that we are the ones responsible for creating the feelings in other people.

But, that is not the way it really works and here is why that is such good news for you.

Everyone creates their own feelings from the thoughts they think. We are each 100% responsible for what we feel. No one can make us feel anything. Feelings are created from thoughts, not from other people and events.

So how is that good news?

First, we get to think whatever we want. As human beings, we can think about our thoughts. Which means that we can notice them, see the effect of them and CHANGE THEM. Thoughts are fluid. Thoughts are only opinions and impressions of the world around us in that moment. And we always have the option to think whatever we want.

Yes, we can change our thinking anytime we want. And changing our thinking changes our feelings. Our feelings are our own responsibility.

Feeling miserable comes from thinking thoughts that make us miserable.

Feeling happy comes from thinking thoughts that make us feel happy.

The second reason this is such good news is that it means that other people do not need to change in order for us to feel better. Other people do not need to be happy for us to be happy. We have the capability of choosing the emotions we want to feel, regardless of what is happening around us.

This is incredibly liberating, especially if you are a people-pleaser who is struggling to manage your own emotions because you believe that you have to create happiness in others to feel good.

You do not – that is not your job. That responsibility belongs to them.

You can create your own happiness and any other emotion that you want to feel, anytime you want. I recommend that you focus on self-pleasing first. Figure out your emotional needs and give that to yourself. Then go out into the world and do amazing, caring, helpful and kind things for others – without any attachment to the outcome. Knowing that you have taken care of yourself ahead of time.

If you want to learn more strategies for who to kick a people-pleasing habit for good, join my upcoming FREE CLASS “6 Reasons Why People-Pleasing Hurts More Than It Helps. How to break the habit that keeps you from having everything you really want!” 

 

For class details and to reserve your seat – CLICK this LINK

They Gossip and I Let Them.

gossip

Early last week, I heard some gossip. Someone I know was saying untrue and unkind things about me. Then over the weekend, I heard some more gossip – that a friend was dramatizing and blowing out of proportion something about my daughter.

When I found out about both of these situations, my immediate response was to think that I had done something wrong and that I was to blame.

Of course, it had to be my fault!

My stomach started to hurt. And I scanned my mind for every possible clue of how I could have upset these two people. I was fixated on this for days and became completely distracted by it.

I desperately needed to find the evidence of what went wrong, so I could immediately get to work fixing it.

I had to find a way to change their minds.

I replayed every interaction, every conversation in my mind. I put myself in their shoes.

How could I have let this happen? How could I have given them just cause for the gossip?

Wait a second….hold on here. What was happening?

Who was this obsessed, self-critical, crazy person that just showed up?

Oh, right – I know her. It was ‘the old me’ back to pay me a visit.

I knew ‘the old me’ very, very well. We had lived together for a very long time.

She didn’t like confrontation and she liked everything to be perfect. She wanted everyone to be happy.

She was a master at taking responsibility and apologizing for things that were not her fault.

She also always wanted to be liked, understood and never judged harshly.

She hated gossip {especially when it was about her or anyone she loved}!

No wonder she was back.

A few years ago, when ‘the old me’ was running the show, she worked hard to make sure that everyone got the right impression about her. She people-pleased her way through life trying to make sure that no one ever said anything negative about her, ever.

Except, that they did.

She tried to control the impossible.

She turned her life upside down to manipulate outcomes that she had no business trying to manipulate.

Despite her best efforts, she found out that not everyone liked her.

And that they definitely didn’t understand her and they also judged her harshly whenever they felt like it.

They were going to keep on gossiping.

Learning this lesson was crushing at first. Quite devastating, actually. To think about all that wasted effort. All the hard work that you can pour into getting someone to know you, to like you, to understand you and be loyal and kind to you forever.

Except that it just doesn’t work that way.

Grown-ups get to do whatever they want. Boy, did I resist this lesson at first – but, the fact is that it’s still true.

Yes, they get to think and feel whatever they want. ANYTHING they want, ANYTIME they want!

They can form their own opinions, change their minds and behave however they want.

Even if it is not what I want and it makes me uncomfortable.

Even if it means that they decide not to like me or my daughter or to say untrue or unkind things about either one of us.

katie pulsifer coaching, gossip

Yes, what I want them to do is completely irrelevant. Just like what they want me to do, is irrelevant to me.

When I really began to understand this and apply it to my life, I realized that I didn’t want anyone trying to manipulate my thoughts, feelings or actions either. I wanted to be free to decide what is true for me. I wanted to conduct myself according to my standards and be responsible for my own emotions and not someone else’s.

And, here is the part of the learning of this lesson that has brought me the greatest relief and has helped keep ‘the old me” in check – I decided to believe that I am really OK with other people being wrong about me.

Yes, people get to be wrong about me. And I can just let them.

They can misunderstand me. They can judge me harshly. They don’t have to like me for whatever reason. And, it’s totally ok.

AND IT’S SO MUCH EASIER…

Because here’s the deal.

All my efforting to please others, to be understood, judged fairly and to be liked was based on convincing others to be RIGHT about me. And that pulled all my focus, energy and power away from me (something I can always control) and placed it all on other people (something that I can never control).

I was spending my entire life inside of other people’s lives trying to influence things that were actually none of my business.

The only person that ever has to be RIGHT about me, is me.

So, I told ‘the old me’ to take a hike.

And I settled into the acceptance that these two people have some negative thinking about me and my daughter. And that I don’t have to do anything about it. They can gossip and I can let them.

At first, it was hard to accept this. But I keep practicing the acceptance and letting go of wanting to control these situations. I knew that despite my discomfort, I was choosing the easier path.
Because I knew the alternative (convincing them to change their minds, believe something different, be right about me) is much harder and ultimately, impossible.

It would have taken hours and hours, perhaps even days away from my own life. It would have taken me to places (their minds and emotions) where I didn’t belong. It would have triggered all my old manipulating and people pleasing.

And I am done with that, for good.

Hello, ‘new me’!

What about you? Ready to let them gossip and not have it turn your life upside down?

If you prefer, we can figure this out together – because I know that two minds are better than one. Book a complimentary Breakthrough Session to see how letting go of what you can’t control and allowing others to be wrong about you, can help you to start feeling better immediately! Let’s take 30 minutes to talk about it. Book your session today!

How To Process Pain In A Positive Way

katie pulsifer coaching, processing pain

We all experience pain at regular intervals in our life. And yet, most of us will go to great lengths to never experience painful feelings or understand the options we have in how we process pain.

Often, we turn to food, alcohol, shopping, work or something else to ignore the pain we feel. These temporary distractions only prevent the process that needs to happen to let the pain go, permanently.

Here is what happens:

something happens to trigger pain
a rush of thoughts flood our minds
these thoughts create emotions (vibrations in the body) that can feel unbearable
we make a choice to avoid emotions, resist and react to the emotions or process the emotions

Avoiding the pain

When we avoid the pain, it is like we pretend it isn’t there. Which, is essentially lying to ourselves. This feels better in the moment but never works long term. Because the more we avoid pain, the more we have to keep avoiding it. So, if we make a choice to drink wine instead of feeling the pain, then we teach ourselves to respond to negative emotions with wine – which can lead to drinking when we really don’t want to – which can lead to overdrinking, lethargy, fogginess, weight gain and guilt – which can produce more pain in the long run.

Resisting and reacting to the pain

If we resist the pain, it looks like acting out or fighting against it. This is usually uncontrolled and responses towards something or someone that we may perceive to be “responsible” for our pain. We might yell, over-react and blow something out of proportion. We might slam a door, talk about someone behind their back or give them the silent treatment. These behaviors can provide a temporary relief from the pain, but ultimately the pain takes on more intensity as we fuel it with these negative responses. And when we react from a negative emotion, we always get a negative result – and this can produce more pain down the road.

Processing the pain

When we choose to process pain, it means that we are deciding to feel it. Many of us have a very difficult time doing this. We are reluctant to feel pain on purpose. We have told ourselves that it is a bad thing to do or that it will be too hard. And yet, processing and feeling our pain is always more manageable than we think and it means that we can avoid long-term consequences that come from avoiding, resisting and reacting to it.

I am a firm believer in processing my pain. I have learned how to get very comfortable experiencing painful feelings – allowing them to be with me and knowing that the immediate discomfort that they create is only temporary. I can control when the suffering ends. I have learned how to do the work and it has changed my life.

Here’s what I do and what I teach my clients to do:

  • Allow the painful feelings to be in my body, even when I can’t make sense of them in my mind
    I watch and wait
  • Notice that I may want to distract myself from my feelings with _________ (food, wine, sleep, social media, shopping, etc…)
  • Notice that I may want to act out________ (place blame, speak harshly, be judgmental, be manipulative)
  • Decide that I am processing the pain instead of any of those other things
  • Commit to this decision
  • Go on with my life, bringing the painful feelings with me
  • Keep noticing what wants to distract me from the pain. Tell myself that it is not worth the temporary relief. Tell myself that I am choosing the harder path, but it will be well worth it.
  • Recommit to experiencing the painful feelings as often as necessary
  • Keep going on with life
  • Take notice of the new thoughts that start to emerge – this may take minutes, hours, days or weeks. Let it take as long as it takes
  • Keep the thoughts that help the healing process and ditch the rest
  • Feel more positive when the pain subsides

After you go through the journey of processing pain, there is something that you must do.

Own it. Own your pain. It’s yours.

Remember, this is how it happens.

something happens to trigger pain
a rush of thoughts flood our minds
these thoughts create emotions (vibrations in the body) that can feel unbearable (the painful feelings)
we make a choice to avoid the emotions, resist and react to the emotions or process the emotions

Whenever I am confronted with pain, I tell myself this:

I am responsible for this pain. I have created it with my thoughts. I can use this opportunity to learn so much about myself – if I am willing to process this pain, instead of avoiding, resisting or reacting to it. This is happening for my benefit. If I can create pain with my mind, then I can create the relief with my mind.

If you prefer, we can do this work together – because I know that two minds are better than one. Book a complimentary Breakthrough Session to see how to shift your approach to processing pain so you can feel more positive and empowered moving through it. Let’s take 30 minutes to talk about it. Book your session today!

Who’s in Charge of Your Life?

How’s your relationship with yourself? Who’s in charge of your life? You or your inner critic?

If your inner critic is in charge, then this is what could be happening;

A compliment comes your way…and you downplay it.

You look in the mirror…and only see your flaws.

You set out to do something…and then tell yourself all the reasons you can’t.

You step on the scale…and then make the number mean terrible things.

You look at your bank account…and start feeling guilty and ashamed.

An opportunity shows up…and then you say that you don’t know how to make it happen.

Meet Your Inner Critic and she is running your life!

The inner critic voice can be VERY LOUD in our heads – based on months or years of thinking negative thoughts.

These thoughts are so well worn and habitual that we don’t even realize they are there.

They have become fundamentally part of who we are.

And we believe every one of them.

The inner critic slows down our evolving process. It only sees problems when actually there are solutions and possibilities. The inner critic makes us hide, play small, and settle for less.

We forget that we have the power to silence our inner critic.

We always have the option to turn a negative and judging voice in our head into a neutral voice.

We can always teach ourselves to think new thoughts – ones that are less negatively charged.

Thoughts that don’t do such damage.

We can choose responses that show ourselves compassion.

And LOVE.

Kinder thoughts are always available to us.

This is the ultimate gift of self-care.

Here are some ways to silence your inner critic;

A compliment comes your way…and you can say thank you.

You look in the mirror…and you can see strength, courage, beauty, and wisdom.

You set out to do something…and you can tell yourself that anything is possible.

You step on the scale…and you can feel blessed to have a body.

You check out your bank account…and you can feel grateful for all you have.

An opportunity shows up…and you can say that you will get to work to figure out how to make it happen.

Kinder words will silence your inner critic. And eventually, those kinder words will become your thoughts. And those thoughts will become your new beliefs.

And you will be in charge of your life!

For more Self-Care solutions like this one, be sure to request my FREE GUIDE below.

Simple Self-Care Solutions – 10 Easy Ways to Improve Your Self-Care Without Spending a Dime!
Click Here to get your FREE GUIDE

 

What Boundaries Can Never Do For You And Why.

boundaries

As a coach, I get a lot of questions about boundaries.
Here’s one from a recent client:
“I feel like everyone in my life is taking advantage of me. I guess I have no boundaries. Can you help me with that?”

I start the conversation asking her to share an example.

And the example always goes something like this…

“So-and-so wants me to help her out with such-and-such. She is constantly asking me to do things for her. She has absolutely no respect for my time or my schedule. She always thinks that I can drop everything and be there for her. She has no appreciation for me at all and I am sick of it.”

I am curious about what she does next.
And the answer is always something like this…
“I tell her that I can help her out.”
I ask why.
“Because she asked and I don’t want to disappoint her.”
A-ha.

I told her she didn’t help to create boundaries.
She needed help getting good at no.
We all get this one confused – especially when we are people-pleasers.

We believe some crazy things about boundaries.

1. We think boundaries are these invisible shields of protection that will prevent the requests, the favors and the phone calls for help.
2. We believe boundaries will teach people to stop taking advantage of us and then they will know exactly how to treat us better.
3. We think that boundaries with stop the potential disappointment that others will have in us.
4. And finally, those boundaries set an expectation of how other people should act with us.

Boundaries don’t have these 4 superpowers. They can’t do any of these things.

And here’s why.

People are going to do whatever they want, whenever they want.

They are going to ask for help, favors and make requests. And they get to do that.

And you get to respond to those requests in whatever way you want to.

Just because someone asks you for something, does not mean that you have to say yes or believe that you are being taken advantage of.

Here’s the real superpower that you are looking for – getting good at no.

Getting good at no means getting good at telling the truth.

This matters because every time you say yes when you really mean no – you are choosing to tell yourself and the other person a big, fat lie.
Lying is choosing to take advantage of yourself, to not appreciate yourself, and to disappoint yourself.

Telling the truth is what teaches people how you want to be treated because it shows them how you treat yourself.

Boundaries do play a role in our relationships but rarely do we actually need them. 9 times out of 10, the problems that we are having in our relationships are about the way we treat ourselves. The better we treat ourselves, the better our relationships. Treating ourselves better begins with us telling the truth.

And here’s what getting good at no can do for you.
A no can be delivered with kindness and love. Kindness and love are emotions that you experience and they feel good!
No is a sign of self-respect. Self-respect increases your trust in yourself!

No makes your future yes that much sweeter.

You will be much more excited about your yeses without all the resentment and irritation!

Ready to say no more in your life? Book a complimentary Breakthrough Session and let’s talk about why saying no is a challenge and how you can move past it.

 

3 Must Ask Questions to Create an Amazing Morning Routine.

morning routine

How you spend your time in the morning can set the tone for your entire day and there are 3 questions that you must ask yourself if you want to create your day on purpose.

 

Most of the time we wake up exhausted and then hit the snooze button multiple times.

When we do finally get our eyes open, we grab our phones and jump on Facebook or check our email.

Then we climb out of bed to race around and try to do way too many things without enough time.

We rush through coffee or tea and we make food choices that don’t fuel our bodies properly.

Sometimes we’re grumpy. We snap at family members or they snap at us. We rush off to start our day.

And we feel frantic and scattered. Already behind schedule and racing to catch up.

The day goes on and then we get up and repeat it all over again the next day.

No wonder we are exhausted? It makes sense that we feel so overwhelmed.

Here is a simple strategy to ease the exhaustion and overwhelm.

It starts with a simple morning routine.

Most of us miss the opportunity to take a little quality time for ourselves.

To reflect. To plan. To set an intention.

Take 5-10 minutes to create the day that you want.

A simple morning routine can have a powerful effect on how you show up during the day.

It can literally make all the difference in helping you create a day lived on purpose versus a day that happens by default.

 

Here is your simple guide to creating your morning routine:

Set your alarm for 15 minutes earlier tomorrow morning.

Place a journal or notebook and pen next to your alarm.

Write a message to yourself on an index card or small piece of paper – this should be a motivating message that will remind you why you are changing your schedule and giving yourself a little extra time in the morning to focus on you. (It can be something like “This is important” or “This matters to me” or “I want to start my day feeling good”). Finally, place this note on top of the journal, so you see it in the morning.

Get up when your alarm goes off. Stay in bed or find a quiet place in the house.

Take a few minutes to think about what kind of day you want to have.

Then, answer these 3 questions in your journal or notebook:

What do I need to do to have this kind of day?

What do I need to feel to make these things happen?

What do I want to think to feel this way?

Read them over a few times to commit them to memory.

There is so much power in those three little questions.

They will help you go from reacting and responding to your day to creating the day you want on purpose.

Directing your mind first thing in the morning will also set you up for feeling clear and intentioned about all your decisions, which will eliminate the exhaustion and overwhelm that you have been experiencing.

15 minutes in the morning can make a significant difference in the way you feel all day. It’s a simple and easy self-care solution that can create a positive effect on your overall wellbeing.

For more self-care solutions like this one, be sure to request my FREE GUIDE. Simple Self-Care Solutions – 10 Easy Ways to Improve Your Self-Care Without Spending a Dime!
Click Here to get your FREE GUIDE

 

 

Overwhelmed with an Over Problem?

Overwhelmed, Self-Care, Confidence, Self-Sabotage

Are you overwhelmed with a pattern of Over-ing?

Over-committing.
Over-spending.
Over-eating.
Over-preparing.
Over-promising.
Over-dramatizing.
Over-drinking.
Over-purchasing.
Over-worrying.
Over-complaining.
Over-perfecting.
Over-compensating.

Over-ing is going WAY above and beyond what is necessary or what serves a purpose – done with the best intentions and usually for all the wrong reasons.

The wrong reason is all about feelings. Creating and preventing feelings. In other words, we “Over Do It” when we want to make other people feel something specific or we want to make ourselves stop feeling something specific.

Here are real stories that my clients have shared:

“I eat everything on my plate even when I’m no longer hungry because I don’t want to hurt my husband’s or my mother-in-law’s feelings.”

“I constantly apologize for everything not being perfect in my house when my friends come over. I’m worried that they only see my flaws.”

“I buy way beyond my budget and sometimes even hide it from my husband. I know this creates a lot of stress in my life – I just want to have my son what he wants. I just want him to be happy.”

“Everyone always asks me to help out or for a favor. I can’t say no. I always say yes. They depend on me and I need to be there for them.”

I’m sure you are reading some of these client’s stories and wondering “what’s wrong with that?” or “isn’t that what we are supposed to do?” 

I know – I totally understand. I used to think the exact same thing.

Each of the examples shared comes from amazing women who are working really hard to take incredible care of the people in their lives. They want to do the right thing, make other people happy, not hurt anyone’s feelings. They were raised to be kind and loving. They’re doing the best they can, every single day. They just want to feel good, except, they don’t.

Each of these women has fallen into a pattern which on the surface seems like no big deal, but underneath is causing them to feel absolutely terrible.

Client 1 is gaining weight because she is eating more than her body requires to fuel itself. She is unintentionally over-eating because she would rather eat when she is not hungry than hurt someone’s feelings at the dinner table.

Meet client 2, who is constantly searching for external approval to feel good about herself. She is worried that nothing is ever good enough and spends a lot of time trying to make everything perfect. She’s stuck in cycle of over-compensating.

Here’s client 3, who thinks that her son’s happiness comes from having all the things he says he wants. She over-spends to ensure that his needs are met and then has little to no money left to do the things that she would like to do for herself, like take a class or join the gym.

Client 4 is exhausted and overwhelmed. She constantly over-commits herself and says yes to every request from friends and family. She never wants to let anyone down, but in the end, she is letting herself down because she is so tired and run-down all the time.

These are the negative consequences that happen when we fall into a pattern of trying to manipulate other people’s feelings.

We want people to like us, we want them to be happy, we don’t want to disappoint them, we don’t want to hurt their feelings….and yet, we do not have any control on how other people feel, ever.

We work so hard to try and control this and it is ultimately beyond our control. The way people feel or what they think is always their own responsibility. Just like our own thoughts and feelings are our own responsibility.

So, how do you overcome being overwhelmed with an over problem?

How do you stop a cycle of manipulating other people’s emotions so that you will feel better?

I help my clients move past being overwhelmed by teaching them how to manage their own emotions first.

Here’s how I do it:

  1. Know that you create your feelings from your own thoughts 100% of the time
  2. Understand that feeling are just vibrations that pass through your body, caused by your thoughts
  3. Be willing to fully experience your own emotions – even the negative or uncomfortable ones
  4. Accept that others get to think and feel anything they want, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable or you don’t like it
  5. Believe that you wouldn’t want anyone to try an manipulate your feelings, so it is unfair to try and manipulate theirs
  6. Notice where you are ultimately hurting yourself because you are trying to avoid a feeling or trying to hard to manage other people’s feelings. Notice what you do and ask yourself why you do it.
  7. Now ask yourself, if it’s worth it? Is the negative consequence worth the potential temporary discomfort of a negative emotion? Chances are, that it is not.

This is a process and it is hard work. And the upside is spectacular!

Clients who learn how to manage their own emotions (all of them) – also learn how to lose the weight, gain their own approval, save their money for what they really want and feel less exhausted and overwhelmed.

Emotional management allows you to focus on what you can control and to direct all the actions in your life to the results that are most meaningful. It allows you to quite spinning your wheels trying to manage other people and circumstances that are really beyond your control.

If you are overwhelmed with an over problem, I would love to show you exactly how you can move past it, so you can get back on track in taking exceptional care of yourself and everyone else, in a way that is positive and energizing. I believe that you deserve that and I would love to show you how it’s possible.

Let’s schedule a complimentary Breakthrough Session to talk about it.