How To Successfully Prepare For A Hard Conversation

hard conversation

Life is full of times we need to have a hard conversation.

Having to fire an employee
Telling your parents you want to follow your own dream instead of theirs
Setting boundaries
Giving someone feedback
Saying no
Telling someone you no longer love them

As different as these examples are, they are similar in that, they are considered by most to be “hard conversations.”

What makes these types of conversations, hard?

Fear of the other person’s reaction.
Worry about their emotional response.
Concern for hurting someone’s feelings.
Anxiety about the other person no longer “liking us”.

Before we have to have one of these conversations, we often play it out in our minds over and over again.
We rehearse it.
We worry.
We prepare for the worst-case scenario.
We anticipate the pain and the hurt feelings.

Sometimes we become so afraid of the conversation that we procrastinate having it.

This future conversation just becomes bigger and scarier in our minds.

A huge obstacle.
A massive distraction.
Sometimes the worry and the dread about having the conversation just eat us alive.

Let me tell you the truth about something that will bring you some relief if you need to have a difficult conversation and it’s making you crazy with worry and dread.

Here is what you need to know…

You can never actually hurt another person’s feelings.

Seriously. Nothing you can say or do can actually hurt a person’s feelings.

I know that you might be thinking – this doesn’t make any sense – because, if you are like me, then you were told your entire life to be careful of other people’s feelings and try to never hurt them.

That’s what most people believe and I am here to tell you that it is not true and why this is such good news.

Words and actions do not create feelings.
Thoughts create feelings.
Each person creates their own thoughts.
And they get to think whatever they want about what the hear, see or experience in the world.
They may choose to think that I hurt their feelings by saying or doing what I did, but that does not make it true.
The thought ‘She hurt my feelings’ is what is actually hurting their feelings, not what actually I said or did.

See the difference?

It’s subtle and it’s extremely important.

Of course, we want people in our lives to be happy and listen to us and like us and not judge us…but at the end of the day, we have absolutely no control over any of that.

But the craziest part is that we go around believing that we can control what other people think and feel and so we try really hard to make sure that we control their thoughts and emotions for our benefit so that we always feel good.

And when we are always pursuing making other people happy so that we can always feel good, then we are basically deciding to lie – to avoid having hard conversations and telling the truth.

And that is when we get ourselves into so much trouble.

That type of avoidance (of hard conversations) and speaking our truths, setting boundaries, being honest, ending or beginning new things is exactly what keeps us stuck and trapped in situations or lifestyles that we don’t want to be in.

So here is what you can do, if you recognize that you avoiding having hard conversations.

Know what you do control (and it’s way more than you think!)

How we deliver our message
Being truthful and honest
Speaking from my heart and with integrity
Being kind and compassionate
Allowing others to experience whatever they want to, based on their thoughts and feelings
Managing our own minds
Noticing and responding appropriately to our own emotions
When in doubt, pouring more love into the situation for our benefit

And one final thing that you can control is how you prepare for a hard conversation – because worrying and dreading and procrastinating doesn’t get you anything.

It only delays and postpones what you want or need to do and makes the conversation seem 10x worse than it really is.

Focus on all the things you can control and check out my step by step guide on how to prep for a hard conversation.

  1. What is the hard conversation that you need to have?
  2. Why do you need to have it?
  3. Why do you think it will be hard?
  4. What will your life be like if you never have this conversation?
  5. What is it costing you to postpone this conversation?
  6. What do you want the outcome of this conversation to be?
  7. What part of that outcome do you control?
  8. How can you have the conversation from a place of truth and integrity?
  9. How can you be loving towards yourself, even if you don’t get the response that you would like?
  10. Have the conversation.Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings before, during and after the conversation. Be kind and loving towards yourself. Celebrate your compassionate side. Allow the other person to have their own experience.

If you prefer, we can do this work together – because I know that two minds are better than one. Book a complimentary Breakthrough Session to see how to shift your thinking about hard conversations so you can feel more empowered. Let’s take 30 minutes to talk about it. Book your session today!

7 Reasons We Hold Ourselves Back.

hold back

Do you have a big vision for your life and lots of ideas that you would like act upon, but you are stuck in rut wondering when life will shift for once and for all? It’s time to let go of these 7 things that cause you to hold back.

I have the honor of coaching some amazing women. What I have learned is that most women have a few things in common: They are brilliant, they work hard, take care of lots of other people, try to do the right thing and they have really amazing ideas about what they would like to accomplish in their lives.

However, these same women are almost always fearful, confused and full of self-doubt. Their ideas never really get fully implemented because they are stuck, overwhelmed, frustrated and unclear. I really relate to this because I used to be the same exact way!

All of these brilliant women have a strong desire to make a difference in their lifetime. They want to leave a legacy behind and help their kids and others by doing what they love. They want to create their lives on purpose and not by default.

It is really interesting when one of my clients gets really clear and connects to her true vision for herself – she becomes aware that if she were living this desire FULLY, she would be so happy, unstoppable, fearless and feel a complete sense of freedom.

Can you relate to this?

If we have brilliant ideas and heartfelt desires, why do we struggle with creating a life on purpose? Where’s the disconnect? Why do we default into accepting our states of weakness and stagnation and claim it to be normal?

Here are the 7 reasons that women hold themselves back from living their lives on purpose. Indecision, Procrastination, Self Doubt, Worry, Fear, Waiting and Negative Body Image.

The good news is that these 7 things are very easy to overcome with the right mindset and support. This is easier than you think, though it may not feel this way at the moment.
The only person holding you back is you. Your life, your body, and your mind can be in a state of growth and evolvement. It is possible to move past the blocks and these 7 reasons, for good.

Here are the 7 reasons women hold themselves back:

1. Indecision
Indecision means putting off making decisions or not making a decision at all. Successful women reach decisions promptly and have learned how to make their decisions “right” after they have made them. They have a deep trust and feel confident they can change course at any given time. Making quick decisions will liberate you.
People who are stuck and aren’t living the life they truly want are wishy-washy and change their mind frequently. They say yes/no/maybe over and over again. Ultimately they never come to any decision, so their life does not change – which leads to number two (see below).

2. Procrastination
Procrastination is putting off what needs to be done today until some point in the future. Your life is now and is waiting for you to fully show up in the present moment.
Understand and become aware of why you are procrastinating, instead of being unconscious to this behavior.
If you have a big dream, but you procrastinate, there is huge misalignment between what you say you want and what you do. Why is that? It is worth your time to invest and understand why you are putting off the exact things you say you desire.

3. Self-Doubt
Self-doubt shows up whenever we are ready to step out of comfort zones and do something new. It is an expected emotion and yet, we work so hard to dismiss it and fight it. Self-doubt and our resistance to experience it will cause us to make excuses or justifications for why we can’t have what we want or why it won’t work out. We will blame other people, we will say we are confused or not ready. It will give us an excuse to quit before we start.
If you are filled with self-doubt, you need more clarity about what you want to help fuel you through the discomfort of self-doubt. Connecting with your compelling reason why you want to live your life of purpose, or follow your heart’s desire, will give you the strength to lean into the self-doubt and pursue your dreams anyway.

4. Worry
Worry is one the biggest forms of distraction I know. It takes you out of the present moment and takes you into the future – the unknown – which is scary for most. However, in my experience the future is filled with wonder and possibility. And the future holds the results of your current thinking. You create everything in your life through your mind. So if your mind is filled with worry about what will happen, the negative stuff, the failures and worse-case scenarios – then those will absolutely come true for you.
Worry is a form of fear and is just an illusion about something that may happen in the future. It a form of “trying” to control an outcome.
What if you let go of worry and allowed something amazing to happen?

5. Fear
Fear is not real. It is an illusion created in the mind by negative thinking. The negative and limiting thinking is keeping you from growing and expanding. It wants to keep you small and safe. Growth and evolution require that we step into areas of discomfort and the unknown, in pursuit of our dreams. It requires that we expand our thinking to what is possible and available to us.
Love and fear can’t exist at the same time.
Successful women experience fear but they understand they have power over it. They are willing to lean into what they are afraid of and support themselves through it with self-love.

6. Waiting
You want it now – right? So why are you waiting to go for it? It is so important to get really clear about this.
Most women wait for the right time, the right amount of money, etc. I learned how to completely love myself through choosing not to wait – to go after what I want – especially when things aren’t perfect. Waiting is stagnant energy that only creates more stagnant energy – it shows up in painful thoughts, self-sabotage, emotional eating, etc. – fueling the belief that you can’t do it. And honestly, waiting does not feel good. Waiting takes all your power away.
Creating a life on purpose requires action and deciding that now is the perfect time to take a step in the direction of creating it.

7. Negative Body Image
Yesterday, I spoke with a woman who shared her struggle with her body image. She told me she often isolates in her house. When it comes to going out to events, she gets nervous about who will be there and how they will judge her, and this often stops her from going – or if she does go, she immediately starts comparing herself to other women.
Her image of herself is completely holding her back in her life.
Body image and self-perception matter deeply when we give them the power to alter our behavior in a negative way – creating shame and wanting to hide from the world.

In our personal and professional lives, a negative body image blocks us from having deeper intimacy with others, sharing authentic experiences, meeting new people, putting ourselves out there and even, making more money – it stops us from creating the ultimate life, health, body, and even financial status, we deeply desire.

Please do yourself a big favor and commit to moving beyond these 7 things that keep you from living your life on purpose.

Stop waiting for the perfect time, let go of the need for complete certainty, the fear of scarcity, the struggle with your body weight and waiting for the right amount of money.

If you don’t, you will continue to live by default and deny your greatest gifts and talents to the world. Please do us a favor and put yourself out there – decide and commit, embrace the discomfort and uncertainty, put your brilliance to work for you.

We need you and we are waiting.

Not sure where to begin? Why not book a complimentary BREAKTHROUGH SESSION? Let’s talk about what’s holding you back and what steps you can take to move through these blocks with ease and confidence. Book your no-obligation free session today!

The Downside of Indecision.

ask yourself this question life coaching confidence self care

I can absolutely relate when someone says to me, “I have a decision to make but I’m just not making it and it’s driving me crazy!”

I know this so well because when I avoid making a decision or taking action – it constantly weighs on my thoughts, disrupts my sleep, depletes my energy and disconnects me from my personal power. I feel distracted and overwhelmed by the fact that I have a decision to make or action to take. I feel detached from the present moment, like I am just going through the motions and everything feels a little unsettled. The state of indecision or inaction does begin to drive me crazy.
A client of mine recently put off a decision about creating her dream career because she was afraid to make the wrong decision. This kept her blocked from doing what she really wanted and prevented her from spending time doing what she loves to do, all because she was afraid of making the wrong decision. Another client stayed in a relationship with someone she knew she was not right for her. She was focused on thoughts of, “I need to tell him” and then constantly worried about how and when to do it – all of which blocked her from pursuing other aspects of her life that she was really passionate about. Both of these clients referred to “driving themselves crazy” with the constant distraction of indecision and inaction.
In both of these cases, my clients allowed fear to create indecisiveness and it kept them from taking positive steps toward their goals. They both knew with 100% certainty that simply making their decision would make them feel better, but they didn’t trust that the correct answers were within them. If they had fully decided and responded, they would have been less stressed; less distracted and felt a whole lot better. A decision, followed by action would have allowed both of these women to spend more time doing what they love and less time worrying.
Being indecisive leads to procrastination, self-doubt and distraction.
The constant thinking about making a decision, drains and depletes your energy and only drives you further away from the success you want. Decision-making always feels better, creates empowerment, clears the way for new opportunities, and propels you towards everything that you want in your life.
Being an empowered woman means being the leader in your life. One of the most empowering skills a leader has is the ability to make a good decision.

So how do you move away from the fear of making the wrong decision?

Know that it is absolutely impossible to make a wrong decision. Ever. For every decision you make, you gain experience and knowledge for the future and you open up new opportunities. There is always something positive to be gained from the result of a decision, even it is not what you hoped for.
Step into your BEST SELF. When you are in a feel-good place, you will be more decisive and make quicker decisions. Connect to your best self through meditating, journaling, exercise, etc. Visualize your best self-making decisions that need to be made. Imagine exactly how your best self feels and what she thinks. Then, when it’s time to make decisions in life, ask how your best self would handle the situation. Would she procrastinate or take action?
Trust your intuition. Go with it, without question, otherwise things get confusing and unnecessarily complicated. Your answer on what to do, is already within you, it’s just a matter of connecting to what is true. Believe that your first choice is always the best. If you feel a little unsure about a specific decision, put a time frame on it. Tell yourself that within 24 hours you will make a decision and then do it.
One thing I know for sure is that avoiding decisions only brings you more of what you don’t want. Making choices can become easy and lead to more freedom when you do it from a place of calm and connection. You will experience some degree of fear in the process of making a decision or taking action – that is to be expected. Fear is just an uncomfortable emotion, not proof that things won’t work out.
As you look at your life this week, think about where you are stuck in indecision or inaction. What can you do today, to make a shift? Commit to making a decision or taking action within the next 24 hours and see how good you feel when you honor that commitment. Feel free to email me, if you want support in this process. I would love to help you stay committed and accountable during this process.

Make Change For The Better.

ask yourself this question life coaching confidence self care

To better your life, there must be a willingness and openness to change. The best news is that change comes from within. We are in control of how, when and if we decide to change in order to improve our lives. We do not have to wait for circumstances or other people to make it happen. We have the privilege of being able to do it ourselves, anytime we want. All we have to do is start.

Here are 5 of my favorite ways to start making change for the better!

1. Trust Your Intuition:
Imagine your life if you fully tapped into your intuition. Our intuition is one of most powerful resources we own. Listening to our intuition is the essence of creativity, the foundation for intentional living, and the source of all our best answers and decisions. Intuition is that hunch you have, your gut feeling our “knowing”. Connecting and listening to your intuition is a skill to master and it takes practice. Allowing yourself the experience of listening to your intuition, even if you’re unsure will begin to build your trust. Listening to your intuition is key to making decisions because you already have the best answer inside you.

2. Show Up in Your Life:
Do you expend more energy avoiding your life rather than showing up in it? Is more time spent telling yourself you will do it tomorrow, wasting hours in procrastination and avoidance? It’s time for that to change. Begin showing up in your life, in small or big ways, it doesn’t matter, the point is to show up. Show up imperfectly – be exactly who you are right now. Agree to stop tricking yourself into thinking you will show up later once you’ve come up with the perfect way to do it, with the best idea or the ideal opportunity. The best of everything comes after you decide to show up. When you show up in your life, you build a deep sense of self-confidence and which allows you to play a bigger role in your life.

3. Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable:
Stepping out of your comfort zone can be unpleasant or scary, but staying in a place where we feel at ease doesn’t help us make the changes we desire or take our lives to the next level. Make an agreement with yourself to find a way to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Today, do one thing you’ve wanted to do but haven’t yet because you feel uncomfortable doing so. Through the process of doing this you will find out you have much more to offer yourself and the world.

4. Take More Action:
Inaction does not result in fulfillment. Get out of your head and into your life by taking action. Instead of waiting for some big push or inspiration to hit, decide to take action right now. If you have a sense your life would benefit from taking a class, or working with a coach, then sign up. If you have been thinking about writing that book, starting drawing or getting back to an exercise regimen, stop thinking and take action. Write your outline, enroll in that class, get your art supplies, put your sneakers on and take that walk. Take action.

5. Embrace Life’s Lessons:
Don’t worry about making mistakes. When you concern yourself with thoughts of failure, you hinder yourself from making any progress. Focusing on how you might not succeed keeps you from taking action to move forward. The more you worry about making mistakes, the more stagnant you become. Begin to trust that every mistake you make is the perfect opportunity to learn and grow. Embrace the lessons you’ll learn from the blunders and errors you might make rather than allowing these fears to hold you back. Don’t beat yourself up about how you might not be perfect; celebrate the fact that you are taking charge of your life and taking action toward your goals.

The best thing about your life is you get to decide, how and when you want to change it. Putting one or all of these tips into practice will getting you moving and I guarantee you’ll find that you are more confident than you think you are and you will feel more in control of your life and your destiny.

Fully Decide.

ask yourself this question life coaching confidence self care

One of the biggest blocks to moving forward and achieving your dreams is indecision, wavering on taking the leap, living with worry and procrastinating. People who aren’t living the life they truly want are often stuck in indecision and change their mind frequently. They say yes, no, and maybe over and over. They to come to any decision, so their life does not change.

Here are some reasons for why this happens and how to learn to fully decide!

Procrastination. We all know that procrastination is putting off what needed to be done yesterday until tomorrow. It is important to become aware of why you are procrastinating, instead of being unconscious to this behavior. If you have a big dream, but you constantly procrastinate taking action to achieve it, there in an opportunity for self-reflection. It is worth your time to investigate and understand why you are putting off the exact things you say you desire.

Self-doubt. Self-doubt is a cover-up emotion that shows up in the form of feeling apathetic, making excuses or justifications for the reason why something won’t work out right now. It can be disguised as envy, jealously, and criticizing yourself or others. Waiting for the perfect time, perfect body size or right amount of money to commit to something is really just about self-doubt. If you are filled with self-doubt, you just need more clarity to develop the internal self-confidence you need. When you diminish self-doubt, you can move forward and take action on your dreams.

Worry. Worry is one the biggest forms of distraction because it takes you out of the present moment and takes you into the future, the unknown, which is scary for most people. Worry is a form of fear and is just an illusion about something that may happen in the future. It is about trying to control a specific outcome. Worry blocks us from taking action in our present moment.

Here are some tips on what you can do today to fully decide.

Think about what you wish for and turn it into a decision.

Here is my example. I wish I could finish packing, moving and remodeling my new home this year. BECOMES I have decided to finish packing, moving and remodeling my new home this year.
The difference seems subtle but when it comes to manifesting our dreams, it is vitally important to clearly align our intentions with deliberate actions to make them a reality. Fully deciding rather than wishing is the key to making all of your dreams come true.

Say to yourself – ”I deserve this, I am worthy of it, and I am going to achieve it.”
There are no longer questions about how things are going to turn out, so your focus can shift from procrastination, self-doubt, or worry to taking action to make it happen. Instead of wishing the packing, moving and remodeling on the new home would be completed, I will find myself actually making it happen.

When you fully decide, you let the universe know you’re ready and it opens up the path to your success and shows you the way to achieve it.

Let Go Of Tolerations.

self-care

Many of us have learned how to live with settling and suffering. We forget that suffering is optional and that we all have the ability to end our own suffering by giving up the things we tolerate and put up with in our lives. Whether it’s tolerating a difficult relationship, lack of money, a messy home, a bad job or just living a life that is not desirable, we all do it to some degree.

WHAT ARE YOU TOLERATING?

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • Do you procrastinate on small tasks like clearing the clutter at home or getting organized at work?
  • Do you postpone making important appointments for yourself?
  • Are you tolerating being too busy to make time to be with your friends?
  • Are you postponing doing things that you know would contribute to your happiness or success?
  • Are you tolerating a relationship that makes you feel stuck?

When you put off a task that could easily or even not so easily be accomplished, it only prolongs the inevitable and then it starts to feel like an awful chore. Something that could be taken care of in less than fifteen minutes – like booking a doctor’s appointment – turns into an all-day process because it becomes a constant, all day long distraction. Your thoughts return to it over and over. You sit down to do one thing and your mind drifts back to making that appointment. When we postpone and procrastinate, we sabotage everything else we do. We tell ourselves all kinds of reasons why we can’t make the doctor’s appointment. We make excuses. We make ourselves feel guilty or badly for not following through. We create our own suffering, again.

When these burdens accumulate, you give them power to completely overwhelm you. An abundance of toleration and distractions keeps you from taking action in all areas of your life and towards your true goals. Having too much to do frequently leads to stagnation because it becomes hard to decide where to start. I want to share with you that today is the perfect day to begin taking action and to stop tolerating.

This week, think about the things you’re tolerating in your life and write them down. Decide to eliminate one toleration now. You will feel relief instantly and will free up your thoughts and energy to focus on the bigger tasks in your day. Go into the rest of your week deciding to eliminate a small toleration every day. When you remove tolerations and distractions, you open yourself up to the possibility of doing more of the things you love. You will choose action and results over procrastination and suffering. You will build momentum giving up small tolerations, to then eventually take action on your bigger tolerations. You’ll be amazed at how good it feels and how empowering this sense of accomplishment can be.