Redefining People Pleasing

I’m so grateful to connect with you through this newsletter each week.

Today’s topic touches many of us: people pleasing.

Understanding how we show up in our relationships—especially with those we hold dearest—can be transformative, freeing us to be more genuine, truthful, and real.

Recently, one of my incredible clients shared her experience of getting coached on people pleasing, and I hope her journey will inspire you too:

"I was frustrated because I had brought this problem to another coach who had been pretty harsh and closed off with me, adamant that I was people pleasing my mom and trying to manipulate her emotions.

You listened to me describe our relationship, validated my experience, and then offered profound insight that redefined people pleasing for me in a way that blew my mind.

You said something like, ‘People pleasing is when you are changing your actions to make a person behave in a certain way so that you can feel better. That’s not what you’re doing at all. After listening to you, I hear that you see your mom clearly and are showing up the way you want to show up in the relationship...with love and acceptance.’

This definition of people pleasing was EVERYTHING. It gave me permission to show up with love the way I desired to show up for my mom and with my mom... I have so much peace and freedom to love and accept my mom as she is, good and bad, flaws and all... AND I’ve never worried about ‘people pleasing’ my mom again."

This heartfelt reflection illustrates that “people pleasing” is often misunderstood.

People pleasing may involve subtly trying to control someone else’s emotions—hoping to make them feel happier, more appreciative, or more respectful.

But often, the reason we go to these lengths to please others is because of the sense of peace, security, or validation we hope to feel in return.

It’s so easy to slip into patterns where we adjust ourselves in hopes of earning love or acceptance, inadvertently trying to control another person’s reaction to protect our emotions.

But true, loving connection doesn’t require these adjustments and manipulations.

Instead, it’s rooted in allowing the other person to be fully themselves—flaws and all—while we do the same.

So, how can we tell when we’re caught in the trap of people pleasing?

Here are a few questions to consider:

• Am I adjusting my actions to ensure a certain response from this person?

• Do I feel anxious or distressed if I can’t make this person happy?

• Am I sacrificing my own needs, boundaries, or values to gain their approval or avoid conflict?

If your answer is "yes" to these, it might indicate that your actions are more about managing their reaction to safeguard your emotions.

But here’s the freeing part: You can choose to love and care for others without needing them to respond in a particular way.

Love can simply be a choice, not a strategy.

With practice and patience, this approach can build more authentic, peaceful relationships that allow everyone to feel seen, accepted, and valued just as they are.

With this comes the freedom to show up generously while respecting our own needs and boundaries.

If you’d like to explore people pleasing further or have any questions, I’d love to hear from you.

And as always, if you’re curious about how this shift could bring peace and authenticity to your relationships, I’m here to help.

With immense appreciation & gratitude. Always.

P.S. If someone in your life could benefit from this perspective, please feel free to share this message with them. Connection and understanding are gifts we all deserve. ❤️